Mr. Right

Solomon observed that “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Proverbs 12:4), and “An excellent wife who can find? For her worth is far above jewels” (31:10). The book of Proverbs is written from a father to a son (1:8) and thus the son needs to select wisely when he marries, but daughters need similar instruction concerning the man that they marry. In this book we find Mrs. Right and Mrs. Wrong (“It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman” 21:19), but Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong must also exist. In this lesson I want to explore what Mr. Right would look like.

A Man of Purpose

“Some people have no purpose. Or their purpose changes with the company they keep. Many today have no guiding principle, no rudder to steer by. So they drift aimlessly in the sea of life, often heading blindly for shipwreck” (Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn p. 60). Such individuals are described in James 1:8 “A double-minded man, unstable in all his ways”; “Tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine” (Ephesians 4:14); and “The untaught and unstable” (2 Peter 3:16). One writer described such individuals as, “Those without definite convictions, they regard nothing as settled, they are under the control of their feelings and emotions, and are liable to embrace one opinion today and another directly opposite tomorrow”. “Let us suggest a first step when it comes to purpose and men. Don’t look for a man until you have found your purpose. Then find a man who can help you live out your God-given purpose. Do not settle for a man who pays attention to you. When it comes to character, faith, and purpose, many women miss the mark. They look for a man, and then let his character, faith, and purpose define theirs. First develop your faith. First set your values and live by them” (p. 61). Find a man who patterns himself after Jesus (1 Corinthians 11:1), because Jesus was a man of purpose (John 17:4; Luke 19:10).

A man of Self-control

First of all, do not confuse self-control with the desire to control other people. We are not taking about the man who enjoys controlling people or who tries to control everything and everybody. “True self-control involves mastery of one’s self, one’s passions, one’s egocentrism, one’s lust for attention, power, and dominance” (p. 64). Many people, including too many single men, are stuck at a very primitive level of maturity; a level that makes them decide issues based on what they can get out of them, a “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” mentality. Arterburn notes that many people today operate by a philosophy that says “Do only what works for you, regardless of how it affects other people. Self-control is a rigid, antiquated concept. Be yourself and let everyone else adapt” (p. 65). Yet a godly man holds an opposing viewpoint, “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7); “Patient when wronged” (2:24); “Loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled” (Titus 1:8).

· Does he struggle with excess in some area, such as spending, video games, fast driving, and so on?

· Is he able to control his temper even if under pressure? Or if he is provoked, do even small issues set him off? (1 Corinthians 13:5).

· Is he careful in his speech and what he says in front of those who might be hurt by his words? (Ephesians 4:29).

· Is he consistent in his relationships? Is he basically the same with you in public as in private?

· Does he control his emotions, or does he let his moods dominate him?

· Is he careful to say “no” when it is appropriate, and to set limits with others who may try to take advantage of him? (Acts 5:29).

· Does he know his own limitations and weaknesses well enough that he can protect himself? (Romans 13:14; 1 Corinthians 15:33; Job 31:1).

· Can he say “no” to you when it is appropriate?

A man of character

“If you don’t focus on the inside of a man, you may end up with someone who focuses only on your exterior as well. If so, when the years wash away some physical beauty, the tide will take out your relationship too” (p. 77). “Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech, which is beyond reproach” (Titus 1:6-8). Women as well as men often compose lists of qualities that they want in a future spouse, yet it is equally important to know what you are not looking for and why you might be attracted to the very person that may cause you a lifetime of pain. The importance of character or integrity in seen in the following list:

· Mr. Wrong looks for easy targets, which include weak women, women who are afraid to be alone, or women who have a desperate need to take care of someone.

· Mr. Wrong wants everything now and demonstrates very little ability for delayed gratification (Philippians 3:19).

· Mr. Wrong hides things and he tends to leave out parts of the truth that later turn out to be pivotal (Acts 5:1ff).

· Mr. Wrong looks bad to your friends and loved ones. Do not discount negative feedback from people who know you (Galatians 4:16).

· Mr. Wrong has a hot temper, he is often jealous, insists that he is clearly right, even if the facts are against him (Proverbs 9:8).

· Mr. Wrong can be picky and fault-finding (1 Corinthians 13:5).

· Mr. Wrong may be looking for a mom. “He lets you do the hard emotional work for the relationship and seems to come alive only when fun is involved” (p. 81).

Marrying a man who lacks character will mean that he will put his needs ahead of yours and the children. He will not protect you from temptation. He may bring false doctrine into your home; he may cause all sorts of problems in a congregation or among your family. He may be financially irresponsible and sponge off you, your friends and your family, and he may excuse his sins, but never repent.

A man of Faith

So how do you know if the person you are dating is a man of faith? What fruit is this man consistently producing? “You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit” (Matthew 7:16-17). One temptation that confronts both men and women is the tendency to ignore bad fruit when we fall in love. “Is he full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness? Or is he selfishly ambitious, causing disagreements everywhere he goes? Is he a peacemaker or a quarreler” (p. 59)? Arterburn reminds us “feelings are a pretty crummy standard on which to base a life or a decision. Here is a piece of earth-shattering truth that we have learned. Your feelings have a point. But they are not the point. They have value but are not the most valuable criteria for decision making” (p. 54). Thus, do not let your “feelings” override the importance of looking at the fruit that one is bearing consistently. Arterburn notes that when a woman says to a man who does not believe, “I cannot date or marry you because I cannot share with you the most important part of my life”, it has an impact. Life is too short to live it with a person who has no faith. Faith is not only important because you will be depending upon this person, and they will influencing your children, it is also so important for keeping everything else in perspective. Do you really want to share your life with someone who cannot keep things in the right perspective?

A man of love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

· He is a safe, trustworthy person to be around (13:4).

· He is not jealous and neither must he win at all costs. He is happy when others succeed. He does not need to promote himself (13:5).

· He is not irritable and neither does he lose control when people disagree with him (13:5).

· He does not need to bring up every little mistake you ever made to prove he is right. He wants the truth even when it is painful (13:6).

· He preservers when life is tough. He can see beyond the moment (13:7).

· He seeks to protect others and their reputations (13:7).

A man of learning

“Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning” (Proverbs 9:9); “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the world of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15); “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18). Yet this does not mean that he thinks that he “knows-it-all”. A man who feels that he must always be right is very insecure and is unwilling to listen or learn. Mr. Right has a teachable spirit (James 1:21). “He has a humble heart and is able to take criticism and constructive feedback without defensiveness. He does not have to check a person’s credentials or education, age, gender, or economic status in order to be willing to learn from another. He realizes that others have a perspective that is needed to balance his own. He may firmly hang on to his beliefs, but he can also genuinely listen to and understand an opposing view. The desire to learn is one of those character issues that must not be ignored. Look for a man who enjoys getting out of himself and his predictable world to learn through experience as well as being taught” (p. 76). Being willing to learn is very important because this future husband needs to be willing to learn about you (1 Peter 3:7). A man who remains encased in his own perspective and mental time capsule is not only hard to love, but he becomes embarrassing to be with. You do not want your future husband sharing with your children the worldview that he had when he was eighteen.

A man who can laugh

There is “a time to weep and a time to laugh” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). First, he is not a clown, yet he does know how to respond to life with a sense of humor. “Some people say to be wary of a man who cannot cry. Perhaps we should say the same thing about a man who cannot laugh. A man who laughs is able to laugh at himself. There are some fundamental elements that make a marriage work and then endure when it does not work so well. At the top of that list, right behind faith, is a sense of humor. The couples who stay together, even through the tough stuff, have a common language of humor. They have the ability to look back on the past and laugh at what once made them cry. Be sure that when your Mr. Right packs a suitcase for the honeymoon, he lays laughter right on top” (p. 75).